Al Davis, owner of the NFL’s Oakland Raiders, announced today that he was releasing himself from his leadership role.
“It is a regrettable day,” Al Davis said. “When I first hired this man he was full of energy and intelligence. And I knew his family – his father once applied for a job with the Raiders, years ago. I didn’t hire him, of course, he was always telling me what to do – but I knew him, and the fact that I didn’t hire him doesn’t take away from the sentimental light I should be seen in for remembering the man.
“But the man I hired has changed. He doesn’t have the same energy, and he no longer applies his intelligence to winning. Not at football anyway. He disparages the name of the Raiders with his every action, drafting bad players and either signing bad coaches or driving away the good ones.
“This has been a very difficult decision for me, personally,” Davis said, tears leaking from his eyes. “This team is a family and I love the Raider family. And I love Al Davis. But I have come to realize that his time is past. He has betrayed the family, and he must be disowned from it.”
Davis looked down, as though bracing himself, looked up again.
“It is with great pride that I introduce to you the new owner of the Oakland Raiders: the clone of Al Davis. Oh, don’t bother looking around the room – I have spent many years on illegal but necessary cloning research, cloned myself long ago and have harvested the organs of young clones to rejuvenate myself. My brain and heart and other crucial organs are no longer those of a 79 year old man. I will live forever! As far as the Oakland Raiders are concerned, I am the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost! I was born on the 4th of July – every day is Independence Day! Just win, baby!”
Davis stood suddenly, looking much stronger than when he had entered the room.
“And if this year’s team doesn’t improve enough,” Davis said, raising the microphone to his lips, “I will use the clause in small print at the bottom of every Raider contract. I own the genetic rights to Lamonica, Biletnikoff, Madden – even Shanahan, that little prick – if they were mine once, they are mine forever.”
The lights went out a moment, there was a sound like the fluttering of wings, and when the lights came back Al Davis was gone.